I have been sitting here staring at the blank screen. The cursor is flashing, my mind is racing, yet nothing seems to want to come together to make a coherent sentence. It is 6:41pm on Sunday night and I have work in the morning after a nice long weekend.
I think it would be best if I start with the basics–the information that I know and this information would of course be a little bit about me.
- As a matter of anonymity, I will not give out my name but I will give out my nickname: Bird. (Side note, I have no idea where this nickname came from. I have tried many times to get an actual answer but all I can get is that a president’s wife was nicknamed ‘Lady Bird’ and somehow that connected with me.) I have been known by this nickname for as long as I can remember. My youngest nephew (3 years old) pretty much knows me as ‘Aunt Bird’ and is now just learning that I have an actual name!
- I just turned 27 at the beginning of this month.
- At the moment, I am single. This is kind of a struggle for me because I love companionship but these days, I refuse to settle.
- I am currently separated and filed paperwork for a divorce. This has probably been one of the most trying years for me. Never did I think that I would get married and a year later be filing for divorce. I thought this time was going to be forever. Once I left, I found that it was actually so much healthier to not be in that environment anymore. Without getting into too much detail, I just want to say– If you are suffering any type of abuse, whether it be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, etc., this is never okay. Get it out and get safe because you are worth more than that. I struggled with this concept. I tried and tried to make my marriage work but the reality is, if both people are not in it 100%, it will fail. You cannot force someone to feel what you feel. You cannot force someone to get help. You can show them the consequences of their actions by simply walking away.
- I am extremely overweight. I have always been a bigger girl, however, over the past few years, I have really let myself go. To give you an idea (and please, no fat-shaming. I have had enough of this in my life and I know that the way to prevent this is by losing weight, but people should not shame other people. Nobody knows anyone’s journey in life but their own. Give them a break and at best, support them.) Anyway back to giving you an idea: I am 5’3″ and I weigh 200 pounds. Dear Jesus, did you just read that? 200 pounds. How did I let myself get to this place? I know the answer- over eating, emotional eating, sedentary lifestyle, laziness, and low self-worth and self-esteem. None of these are being used as excuses, just as reality. These are my issues and by admitting that I have these issues, I can work on them to better understand myself and help conquer these bad habits.
- Another little tidbit about me– in a year, my weight loss journey has been slow but at least I have been losing rather than gaining. A year ago, I was at least 15 pounds heavier than I am today. November 2013, I was 30 pounds heavier than I am now. I hope to never see these numbers again and that is basically how I got here… to this exact place that I am blogging about.
- I have tried many yo-yo diets- clear liquid diet, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, binge eating then purging, Paleo. There is one thing that all of these diets had in common: I never stuck with them. There was a time where I stuck with Nutrisystem and the results were awesome but once I ended the meal plan, my weight ballooned again. Most of these I never stuck with. I had great intentions but I never stuck with them. I am ready to stick with them.
What I want to accomplish on this journey:
- Lose 60 pounds. For my height, a healthy weight range would be 104-140. Right now, I am obese. This is embarrassing and I am ashamed of this fact but it is reality. I let myself get here and I intend on getting myself out of this hole I have found myself in.
- Be happier. I have found that a lot of my unhappiness comes from my weight. Not only is it physically hard to look at my body which makes me unhappy (sitting here typing, I am cross-legged and I see this bulge in my belly/pelvic region- a pouch, a FUPA, and it is disgusting and totally embarrassing) but it is also emotionally and mentally making me unhappy because I am unhappy with myself. I cringe when I look in the mirror because I am not happy with myself. And to be honest, I am sure more people would like me for me if I weren’t so closed off from people… and I am closed off from people because… you guessed it– my weight! We take these Christmas card pictures every year and this year, I wasn’t as anxious because I had lost 15 pounds since the last time. Upon viewing the picture from this year, I was even more dissatisfied this year than I was last year. I was thinking that the angle was bad for me, but really this is just an excuse. I am fat and unhappy and this needs to change, dammit!
- Run a 5k. I have never been a runner in my life. I played soccer my freshman and sophomore year because both of my older brothers played soccer. I hated running and even though I was pretty small then, I was probably the worst runner on the team. I lack endurance, proper breathing, and discipline. I feel like this would be a great goal and there are all of these fun races. I really want to do one that is called the Big10k (there is a 5k option!) because I love the Ohio State Buckeyes. There are also fun runs like the night glow run, foam run, etc and I think this would be a great place to meet new people and really challenge myself.
- Discipline. I know there will be the occasional mishap. However, I do not want this to be an excuse. I bought 21 day fix because I wanted to learn what portions look like. I am a chronic over-eater (I just ate a medium pizza :/) and I want to stick with this as best I can for the 21 days and re-evaluate from there. I want to prove to myself that I can do this.
- Self- Esteem. I just want to be as happy with myself on the outside as I am with myself on the inside. I often lash out at people so I can always push them away before they do (I always assume that they will). I can become volatile because I am dying on the inside. I hate myself on the inside. I can be the most wonderful, caring, loving, funny, laid-back person in the world. But now that I have my guard up, I can often be viewed as kind of stand offish and it is just because I am scared of not being good enough or being pushed away for reasons that I think people will dislike about me because I dislike them about myself.
- Honestly, I want to prove my haters wrong. This is so horrible of me to say but it is true. I don’t mean that I am going to go confront them and tell them that I proved them wrong, but I do want the chance, if we were to ever cross paths, to maybe make them think upon viewing me that they were wrong about me. My own family has called me fat and told me that I am not good enough (not all of them, just select few). I have had them pretend to be loving but then drop little hints about how fat I am and how I should lose weight. I have tried online dating and before a person even knows me, they call me fat. Don’t get me wrong, I want to do this for me but I also want to do it for them.
Where I Will Begin:
I am going to begin this journey by doing the 21 day fix program. I may incorporate other programs into this but this will be my base. Weigh-in days will be Monday mornings. This journey will begin on November 30 and should be completed by December 20. I will re-evaluate my program when the time gets closer to the December 20 mark.
I know that this was a bit long-winded and there are rants as well as facts that probably didn’t make sense or were unnecessary, however, I am ready for this journey to begin. I am ready. I am worthy. LET’S. DO. THIS.